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[Trust the Government with Encryption Keys?]

September 17, 1997 by Dave Kristula
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IF YOU ARE A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL AND/OR EASILY OFFENDED BY THE BRUTAL MUTILATION OF PET GOLDFISH PLEASE LEAVE NOW.

BY READING FURTHER YOU AGREE THAT YOU ARE

  • NOT A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
  • NOT OFFENDED BY BRUTAL MUTILATION OF PET GOLDFISH

Can you really trust a secure server with your personal information like address and credit card numbers with all those psycho wacko killers out there? No? Why not? Don’t think the encryption is good enough yet?

Can you believe that certain parts of the U.S. Government are actual proposing a bill restricting encryption limits and making all encryption software have a build-in government accessible key? I certainly don’t trust psycho wacko killers with my personal information, why would I want to trust the government?

I see it very comparable to a bill stating that every time you change your house door locks your key maker must make an identical copy of your keys to send off to the government JUST IN CASE you are planning some schematic terrorist attack while watching soaps.

For some reason, this group in the government thinks it deserves a key to all encryption methods, just incase some odd group of terrorists decide to plot something very very evil against the country, or (without a much happier outlook), the governmentals themselves.

Alright, let’s say I am planning to blow up the whitehouse, which of the following choices am I most likely to pick:

  • use a really powerful encryption scheme that seems nearly impossible to break to transmit messages to my pals with the explosives.
  • same as above, with the exception of the government having a key.
  • hide messages in a vegetarian meatloaf and ship it FedEx overnight to my pals with the explosives, then once they receive the messages have them call me on Sunday for 5 cents a minute long distance speaking a modified form of Southern Ebonics replacing all yo’s with phat’s and phat’s with yo’s.
  • Enter one of the numerous gay and lesbian chat rooms on America Online at a scheduled time with my pals send public messages about the attempt in backwards PIG LATIN.

Well, hopefully you get the idea. If someone wants to do something, they can always find a new and creative way to do it. Government Keys is certainly not the answer. You don’t see them imposing restrictions on speaking PIG LATIN backwards in gay and lesbian forums on AOL do you?

If you are one of those pro-encryption government types, here’s a little message for you…

m0 x1 #a != @a l6 c3 9a b~ *& $w z^ $t d- tk

Now while you try to decrypt my little encrypted message I’m off to exchange recipes in backwards PIG LATIN on AOL… and by the time I’m done I’ll probably still have time to track you down by your IP address, and brutally murder your pet goldfish… before you even realize that the message above was just a decoy!

GET THE PICTURE?

  Dave Kristula is the Editor of SLASH.
	He doesn't like the idea of having
	his platinum card number and expiration
	date available to any government official
	who feels his purchases of numerous cases
	of Jolt Cola on it is direct proof he is
	trying to hack the CIAs computers.
	He can be reached via email at
        themag.editor@davesite.com
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